I would like to really respond to this thread but the words just wont come. I feel really bad for you mellisaaa, nobody should have to go through that. However I also feel that the wife really does need to know about this, as you have said she seems like a really good person and to not tell her would be an injustice.

I've spent a good portion of my adult (as short as it is) being kicked down and gutshoted by almost every girl I've really cared for but all of that amounts to nothing compared to this. To have my only association with your ex be that of being male angers me greatly. I have always respected people even when I probably shouldn't have. I have never taken advantage of anybody before and never plan to. To do so is below contempt.